Practicing Hope: Torn Between Comfort and Calling- Letters to the Housed by Paul Asplund of Second Grace LA
Last week, I wrote about discovering how muscular hope—hope as practice, not feeling—could be used to bring what I hope for into the present.
And while I’m no newcomer to ideas like this, I’m constantly torn between acting on them and fear. Torn between comfort and calling.
I struggled for years trying to overcome my complacency. Volunteering would come in fits and starts but was never sustainable. I’m not alone. Research shows that while over 90% of us want to volunteer, only 1 out of 4 Americans actually do. Three Reasons Why People Don’t Volunteer, and What Can Be Done About It - Stanford Center on Longevity And while we might not talk about it, the gap between intention and action is universal.
The Psychology of Why We Fight the Call
I’ve written before about those last weeks before I entered into this life. What it took was for me to finaly see myself, see my story, as qualification to do something about the suffering around me. I had to feel safe. I had also been on a ’spiritual journey’ of my own for some time, flirting with this work, but it was that safety, that sense of belonging, that made this possible. In another life, I would have been a Lutheran minister, but in this life, I was transformed into something else, something I am still discovering.
When we walk past suffering or avoid opportunities to serve, we’re forced to shut down the part of us that feels empathy, which takes a toll on our relationship with the world. It’s not your fault, there are deep psychological forces at work that make resistance feel rational, even protective.
One of the most common of these forces is the bystander effect, which shows people are less likely to help when other helpers are present. We can see someone else is taking care of it. But this thinking, while seemingly innocuous, dulls us to the needs of others in our neighborhoods, our churches, our daily lives. Even when we recognize when people are in need we think, “I can’t do anything,” or “Someone else is handling this." WikipediaSimply Psychology
But this much is universal: when people consider helping others, they undergo a psychological cost-benefit process, weighing personal (or civic) rewards against emotional costs. 3 Reasons Why People Refuse to Help Others | Psychology Today If the costs seem too high (or better handled by others), they're far less inclined to help. We calculate: Will this disrupt my life? Will I look foolish? Is this someone else’s responsibility? Will I fail to make a difference? And most of the time, comfort wins.
There's also evaluation apprehension—fear of being judged publicly, worry about offering unwanted help, or facing consequences for getting involved. American are so risk averse, so wary of getting sued, or making situations worse. So we protect ourselves by not engaging. Bystander Effect In Psychology
Again, these are not character flaws. They're natural responses to complex moral terrain, and recognizing them is a big step toward transcending them.
Steve and S.O.S
In the mid-90s, I was working in video production in Minneapolis. I had a comfortable life, interesting projects, good money, had purchased my first house. Then I met Steve Ahlberg who was dying of liver cancer brought on by hepatitis C. Steve was a force of nature and convinced me to drink glass after glass of beet juice (complete with the greens), hike hundreds of miles a month, host a dozen people in my house every Sunday for football and chili, and start a nonprofit together.
When Steve asked if I wanted to start a nonprofit. I said yes, because I had experienced his infectious commitment to making things better. We called it Servants of Service (SOS), and we mobilized people in recovery to volunteer for other organizations.
This was the first hard pull toward service work for me. I had the luxury of time (and unemployment benefits to support me between production gigs) but when a paying job came along I experienced my first bout of what researchers call "moral stress"—anxiety about my inability to fulfill what felt like moral obligations. Feeling Moral Stress? Here's How to Foster Resilience. | Thought Leadership | The Notre Dame Deloitte Center for Ethical Leadership | Mendoza College of Business | University of Notre Dame I knew I should be doing more, but I also knew it might cost me career opportunities, time, energy.
The pattern was established: called to serve, then retreat when more comfortable opportunities arose. Steve died in 2009, having spent the last fifteen years of his life in service to others. I miss him and felt guilty about not doing more for many years. But I used his example as a goal, not an admonishment, and his life still inspries me.
The Geographic Solutions: Bolivia and San Bernardino
After 9/11, I was restless. I had taken a job that I knew was morally treacherous, even as it was great for my ego and my wallet. I went back to my old Quaker meeting where I met a couple from Quaker Bolivia Link, who talked about the work they were doing in South America. I decided in that moment to go to Bolivia and, a few months later, I arrived in La Paz where I experienced the second hard pull toward service work.
Research shows some people volunteer to understand different cultures and places—but looking back, I realize this was rank escapisim, I just wanted to get away from my own fear, my discomfort at home, my moral injury from work. Psychology of Volunteerism | Wake Forest University I had no idea what to expect and I was far too spiritually adolescent to understand the path I had stepped onto. Let’s just say I was a spiritual tourist when I arrive and I was on fire when I left.
In Bolivia, I witnessed hardships beyond anything I had ever seen back home. I also experienced the power of community to stand in for material wealth, and I learned about Liberation Theology, the fire that was sweeping the communities where we stayed.
When I got home I called an old friend at seminary and asked him where I could learn more about Liberation Theology, that started the third hard pull.
The Pattern Recognition: Central City Lutheran Mission
Dave Kalke, a missionary who had reopened an abandoned church in San Bernardino became my next teacher.
I started volunteering at Central City Lutheran Mission (CCLM) three or four days a week. I stayed overnight in the shelter they had opened and threw myself into helping the people in that community tell their stories. For a few months, I showed up regularly, built relationships, and felt the satisfaction of direct service.
Then a job came along and this one really tore at me. I loved what I was doing and the people I was with but I was now officially poor. I had burned through my savings traveling and volunteering at CCLM. This new project was good money, a big studio production. A couple years of steady work. I told myself I'd come back to the mission after the project ended. But I didn't. As soon as the next film job appeared, I set aside the volunteer work again.
I was following the national pattern: 35% of volunteers quit because of "changing circumstances" and time constraints. NCVOGalaxy Digital But the research reveals what I was too ashamed to admit: the spiritual tension of knowing I should help but choosing comfort instead.
I justified it every time. This project will advance my career. I'll make more money and be able to give more later. Someone else is probably better at this work anyway. All the mental gymnastics we perform to avoid what our souls are asking of us.
So, if you struggle with taking the actions your heart asks of you, you’re in the majority. And if you’ve chosen to act despite your fears and apprehensions, welcome to what I know to be the best way to live: engaged, challenged, overworked, but never despairing and never defeated.
Next week: Overcoming the internal struggle to commit… I’ll share more about how I overcame inertia and followed the path to this rich way of living. I’ll also show you some of the tools I use to stay on the field.
Until then, stay safe, stay involved, and remember that choosing to act puts you in the company of a powerful few who have and will change the world.
Links:
3 Reasons Why People Refuse to Help Others | Psychology Today
Bystander Effect In Psychology
Primary Video Show Notes: "Practicing Hope: Torn Between Comfort and Calling"
Episode Overview
Release Date: Saturday, August 16, 2025
Duration: 9 minutes, 26 seconds
Host: Paul Asplund
Series: Letters to the Housed
Episode Summary
In this concise but powerful episode, Paul explores why 90% of people want to volunteer but only 25% actually do. Through personal stories spanning decades—from his friend Steve who started a nonprofit while battling cancer, to Bolivia and Liberation Theology, to direct service work that was repeatedly interrupted by "comfort"—he reveals the psychological forces that keep us choosing safety over service.
Key Topics Covered
The Shocking Statistics
90% of Americans want to volunteer
Only 25% actually do
The universal gap between intention and action
Personal Struggle with Volunteer "Fails"
History of volunteering in "fits and starts"
Weight of volunteer failures and guilt
Always finding reasons to step back for comfort
The Psychology of Resistance
Bystander Effect: Assuming someone else will handle it
Evaluation Apprehension: Fear of being judged or making things worse
Cost-Benefit Calculation: Comfort consistently winning over calling
Steve's Transformative Example
Cancer diagnosis, given 6 months to live
Force of nature personality and infectious commitment
Juicing, hiking, hosting Sunday football gatherings
Servants of Service (SOS): Pre-internet organizing of 100 friends
Geographic Escapism and Discovery
Post-9/11 restlessness and morally questionable work
Bolivia as "pure escapism" from discomfort at home
Witnessing community resilience and Liberation Theology
Central City Lutheran Mission: 3-4 days per week of direct service
The National Pattern
35% of volunteers quit due to "changing circumstances"
Mental gymnastics: "This will advance my career," "I'll give more later," "Someone else is better at this"
The spiritual tension of knowing you should help but choosing comfort
Detailed Chapter Breakdown
00:00:00 - Introduction: Torn Between Comfort and Calling
Paul opens by referencing last week's discussion of "muscular hope" and immediately reveals his vulnerability: even knowing hope is practice, he's still "regularly torn between comfort and calling."
00:00:39 - The Shocking Statistics
"Over 90% of Americans say they want to volunteer, but only one in four—25%—actually do. Nine out of 10 of us want to help, but three quarters of us don't."
00:01:00 - Paul's Personal Struggle
Raw honesty about volunteering in "fits and starts," always finding reasons to step back when "more comfortable activities usually related to food or sleep came along." The weight of volunteer history creating guilt and shame.
00:01:49 - The Psychology Behind Resistance
"This isn't a character flaw. There are deep psychological forces at work here, forces that make resistance feel rational, even protective."
00:02:01 - The Bystander Effect
When others are around, we're less likely to help. Applied to homelessness: "The police should be handling this or some church or nonprofit should do it, anyone but me." But "too often they don't and they can't be everywhere at once."
00:02:53 - Evaluation Apprehension
"Fear of being judged, fear of looking foolish, fear of making things worse. We're so risk averse, so worried about getting sued or offering unwanted help that we protect ourselves by not engaging at all."
00:03:19 - The Constant Cost-Benefit Calculation
"Will this disrupt my life? Do I have time for this? Am I really qualified? What if I fail to make a difference? And most of the time, comfort wins."
00:03:39 - Steve's Story: Force of Nature
Mid-90s Minneapolis video production, comfortable life, first house. Steve diagnosed with cancer, given 6 months. "Steve was a force of nature." Knew service was key to tamping down ego, sure he could beat cancer, research into naturopathic treatments and AIDS symptom management.
00:04:27 - Servants of Service (SOS)
"We called it Servants of Service, SOS. It was his idea. We gathered a hundred of our friends to volunteer for other organizations." Pre-internet phone lists, people showed up "because of Steve." "Steve's commitment was infectious."
00:05:21 - Moral Stress: When Jobs Interrupt
"A paying job came along and I experienced what researchers call moral stress, anxiety about not fulfilling what felt like moral obligations." Pattern established: called to serve, retreat when comfort appears.
00:05:48 - Steve's Legacy
"Steve died in 2009, beating his doctor's estimates by 15 years, and he spent those years in service to others. Building houses in Peru."
00:06:07 - After 9/11: Bolivia and Escapism
Restless, working "morally questionable" job good for ego and wallet but "bad for my soul." "I told myself it was about understanding different cultures, but looking back, it was pure escapism."
00:06:19 - Liberation Theology and Community
"I witnessed hardships beyond anything I'd ever seen. But I also experienced the power of community to build resilience. And I learned about liberation theology."
00:06:43 - Central City Lutheran Mission
San Bernardino, 3-4 days per week, building relationships, satisfaction of direct service. Then another job: "good money, steady work. And once again, I told myself I'd come back after the project ended, but I didn't."
00:07:08 - Following the National Pattern
"35% of volunteers quit because of changing circumstances, but the research reveals what was a deeper level of my discomfort, and that is the spiritual tension of knowing I should help, but choosing comfort instead."
00:07:29 - Mental Gymnastics
"This project will advance my career. I'll make more money and be able to give more later. Someone else is probably better at this work anyway. Sound familiar? These are the stories we tell ourselves to avoid what our souls are asking of us."
00:07:46 - The Cost of Shutting Down Empathy
"When we walk past suffering, when we avoid opportunities to serve, we are forced to shut down the part of us that feels empathy and that takes a toll. It takes a toll on our relationship with the world, our relationship with ourselves, our relationship with what we know to be true."
00:08:10 - Majority vs. Powerful Few
"If you're struggling with this, if you feel torn between comfort and calling, you're in the majority. But if you've chosen to act despite your fears, welcome to what I know to be the best way to live. Engaged, challenged, sometimes overworked, but never despairing and never defeated."
00:08:36 - Next Week Preview
Tools to overcome inertia, stay on the field, bridge the gap between intention and action.
00:08:46 - Your Humanity Finding Home
"That voice calling you to serve, that's not guilt, that's not obligation. That's your humanity trying to find its way home and choosing to answer that call puts you in the company of a powerful few who have and will continue to change the world."
00:09:09 - Closing: Hope is Practice
"Hope is a practice, not a feeling." Call to like, subscribe, tell friends, find on Instagram and free Substack.
Key Quotes from the Transcript
"Even knowing this, even believing it, I'm still regularly torn between comfort and calling."
"This isn't a character flaw. There are deep psychological forces at work here, forces that make resistance feel rational, even protective."
"Steve was a force of nature... Steve's commitment was infectious."
"I told myself it was about understanding different cultures, but looking back, it was pure escapism."
"These are the stories we tell ourselves to avoid what our souls are asking of us."
"When we walk past suffering, when we avoid opportunities to serve, we are forced to shut down the part of us that feels empathy and that takes a toll."
"That voice calling you to serve, that's not guilt, that's not obligation. That's your humanity trying to find its way home."
"Hope is a practice, not a feeling."
Key Topics Covered
The Psychology of Inaction
Bystander Effect: Why we think "someone else will handle it"
Evaluation Apprehension: Fear of judgment that prevents engagement
Moral Stress: Anxiety about unfulfilled moral obligations
Cost-Benefit Analysis: The unconscious calculations that favor comfort
Personal Journey Stories
Steve Ahlberg & Servants of Service: Starting a nonprofit while dying of cancer
Bolivia Experience: From spiritual tourist to Liberation Theology convert
Central City Lutheran Mission: Shelter work and the pattern of retreat
Geographic Solutions: When place cracks us open to possibility
Research Insights
90% of Americans want to volunteer; only 25% do
35% of volunteers quit due to "changing circumstances"
Universal gap between intention and action across demographics
Predictable psychological patterns in service resistance
Featured Research & Resources
Academic Sources
Stanford Center on Longevity: "Three Reasons Why People Don't Volunteer, and What Can Be Done About It"
Wake Forest University: "Psychology of Volunteerism"
Simply Psychology: Research on Bystander Effect
Notre Dame Deloitte Center: "Feeling Moral Stress? Here's How to Foster Resilience"
Psychology Today: "3 Reasons Why People Refuse to Help Others"
Organizations Mentioned
Servants of Service (SOS): Minneapolis nonprofit mobilizing people in recovery
Quaker Bolivia Link: Organization facilitating service work in South America
Central City Lutheran Mission (CCLM): San Bernardino shelter and community center
People Featured
Steve Ahlberg: Co-founder of Servants of Service, died 2009 after 15 years of service
Dave Kalke: Missionary who reopened abandoned church in San Bernardino
Action Steps for Listeners
Immediate Reflection
Where do you feel the pull between comfort and calling most strongly?
Can you identify the bystander effect, evaluation apprehension, or moral stress in your own resistance to service?
What would sustainable service look like in your current life situation?
Deeper Engagement
Read the full article: Complete written exploration with additional research and insights
Join the community: Connect with others navigating the same challenges
Support the work: Financial contribution to ongoing community engagement efforts
Community Engagement
Discussion Questions
What psychological barriers resonate most with your own experience?
Have you had a "Steve Ahlberg" in your life—someone whose commitment was infectious?
How do you distinguish between legitimate self-care and protective comfort?
What would change if you saw your story as qualification rather than disqualification for service?
Sharing Prompts
Share your own story of the intention-action gap
Tag someone who embodies sustained commitment to service
Discuss the role of community in overcoming individual resistance
Technical Notes
Production Credits
Host: Paul Asplund
Series: Letters to the Housed
Production: Second Grace LA and Delux Multimedia
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Distribution
Primary: YouTube (@SecondGraceLA)
Podcast: Available on all major platforms
Substack: Full transcript and additional content
Website: paulasplund.com/blog
Accessibility
Full transcript available on Substack
Closed captions enabled on YouTube
Chapter markers for easy navigation
Audio description available upon request
Support Information
Ways to Support Second Grace LA
Financial: https://www.gofundme.com/f/fuel-hope-with-second-grace-la-this-giving-tuesday
Community: https://secondgrace.la
Sharing: Forward, repost, and tag others in conversations
Engagement: Comment, discuss, and build community around these ideas
Contact & Connection
All Links: https://linktr.ee/secondgracela
Email: hello@paulasplund.com
Social Media: Cross-platform engagement and community building
Not having shelter is not a personal failure. Together, we can create systemic solutions.